when you don't know how to love
Recently thrust back into the world of global missions, I have been hesitant to re-invest. Jesus is the only person who has ever done ministry perfectly, and even our best efforts at attempting to imitate His example have often gone awry. No number of words, no amount of time, and no sum of money (or mission philosophy that doesn't involve money) seems sufficient to address and alleviate the real needs in a sustainable way.
The Lord has taken me on a little journey the past few days and a few steps have emerged for me to apply when I don't know what it looks like to give or love well. These steps are neither formulaic nor all-encompassing, but they have given me some guidance to keep forefront in my mind when I feel unable to make any impact at all without messing up the world more.
Invest. In Jeremiah 32, Jeremiah hears from the Lord that he is to buy the field at Anathoth, even while the city of Jerusalem was besieged by Babylon. We are called to invest and plant and buy and dream and produce even in the face of uncertainty. This is so counter-intuitive, and feels so forced sometimes, because we don't feel like we can plan well in the midst of unknowns. I think maybe even more than that, we just don't like the idea that we aren't guaranteed a certain outcome with what we do. We highly value our time and our resources, and so if we can't guarantee that the investment of them will produce anything, we tend to pull it a little closer until we feel more certain of a return. The hard thing about that is that sometimes that's wise. In the history of missions there have undoubtedly been things invested that shouldn't have been. I have been witness to some. And yet, whether on a large scale or a smaller scale in our lives and relationships with others, there are times that God calls us to dig in even when we'd rather sit tight or even pack out. "Then Hanamel my cousin came to me in the court of the guard, in accordance with the word of the Lord, and said to me, ‘Buy my field that is at Anathoth in the land of Benjamin, for the right of possession and redemption is yours; buy it for yourself.’ Then I knew that this was the word of the Lord." Jeremiah 32:8
Trust. God is Truth, and completely trustworthy - and so we can trust Him with everything. Hebrews 6 tells us, "For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek" (Hebrews 6:10-20). With God's trustworthiness as our anchor, our souls can rest so securely. There are so many things mentioned here - how God is not so unjust as to overlook your work, how we are not to be sluggish but to remain hopeful because the promise is coming from God and there is just no one anywhere that would be more certain to put our trust in.
Wrestle. Along with leaning into the trustworthiness of God and using that as the anchor for our hope, we are also called to lean into the goodness of God. I am reading In His Image with a friend right now and it talks through all these attributes of God much more eloquently than I will do justice to in this brief post. But in Genesis 32, when Jacob comes face to face with Esau (which I'd like to write more about but that's another post for another time) and he is uncertain of the outcome, he leans into the promises of God and boldly reminds God of His own character: "But you said, ‘I will surely do you good, and make your offspring as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’” (Genesis 32:12). It takes a tremendous amount of courage to wrestle with God and to lean into Who He Is - because it is truly beyond our comprehension. But that was what Jacob did in the face of uncertainty.
Remember. We must remember the past faithfulness of God. Not only are we called to trust and lean into Who God is, we also are called to allow Him to remind us Who He is. We must accept that we are forgetful, and need to be reminded of His power, and what He has already done in the past. We must allow Him to bring to mind for us the things that He has already done that make Him trustworthy. We see this exemplified in Jesus' interaction with His disciples in Luke 22:31-38: "And he said to them, “When I sent you out with no moneybag or knapsack or sandals, did you lack anything?” They said, “Nothing.” He said to them, “But now let the one who has a moneybag take it, and likewise a knapsack. And let the one who has no sword sell his cloak and buy one. For I tell you that this Scripture must be fulfilled in me: ‘And he was numbered with the transgressors.’ For what is written about me has its fulfillment.” And they said, “Look, Lord, here are two swords.” And he said to them, “It is enough.” This reminds me so much of conversations I have with my children. I am regularly telling them things like this - Remember that the last time, I told you it's pretty cold and you might want a coat. And were you cold? And did you wish you had a coat? I was right... I am trustworthy, I am for you... and so you can trust that what I am going to tell you to do next is valid.
Give. The early church "have all things in common" model is one that could be discussed endlessly, from countless angles. It means what it says, I truly believe it's literal and accurate. At the same time, this does not/would not work in a rubber-meets-the-road practical way in most contexts and cultures that I'm a part of. So I kind of sat there and asked God what to do with it when I was reading through it most recently, and realized that I can take those things that God has provided for me -- my time, my talents, my experiences of God's faithfulness, my ideas, my non-monetary resources, and my monetary resources... any and all can be laid at the feet of a trustworthy Father. And so whether I invite into my living room or whether I fly 2000 miles to try to understand someone whose life looks so different from my own, I can share what I have been given. For the apostles in Acts 4-5, this was sharing of gifts of healing and alleviating suffering through the power of God through them. Whether literally or metaphorically, we have power through God to administer healing to those around us, and we can give of ourselves without holding back because it does not come from us anyway. We will also find ourselves relieved of a burden when we are able to actively work into it. Hearing about hurt and suffering is so overwhelming, but we often find that anything we do to actively push it back, actively pushes back the overwhelm also. We need outlets to alleviate the hurt around us, or we become buried by it.
Share. And then sometimes we're called to share not just what we have... but also to simply share our lives in bearing the burdens of others. Multiple times in II Timothy, he writes that we are to "share in suffering". II Timothy 1:6-9 says, " For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began". Notice that the call to share is preceded by a reminder of what God has already given... God has given a gift, we are called simply to fan into flame the gift. We have to be ok with sharing in the suffering of others... listening to the hurt, feeling the weight, bearing the burdens... but God has already given us the grace to do this. It's repeated in II Timothy 2: "You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything." You are strengthened and fueled by grace. You are called to share in suffering. You are called to take what you have, and entrust it to others. You are called to pass it on, looking unto the Author and Finisher of our faith.
Feed. And finally, we are called simply to feed sheep as the result and proof of our love for the Lord: "He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep." (John 21:17) Feeding is regular, monotonous, never-ending. Feeding my children is a process that must be repeated every few hours. My children feeding their animals is something they have to do every morning. If the animals need to be fed again, it's not an indicator of a lack of success the day before. In fact, it's an indicator of success because they are still alive... thanks to the faithful, diligent, regular food they are given. And so if we love the Lord, I believe His instruction to us is the same as it was to Peter - "feed my sheep." Over and over again.

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