owning your season

I commented to our Bible study group the other day that most of my biggest relational regrets stem out of one root problem: my failure to own the season of life I was in. The practical implications of what it looks like to own my season would look different in every season, of course - but the basic principle is the same - acknowledging, accepting, and acting on what is required/expected of me in that particular time period, in that particular relationship. For me personally, it's usually my sense of inferiority that prevents this and it often requires stepping into relationships and situations with more boldness than feels comfortable. Occasionally, it's also my just complete lack of awareness which is an easier problem to solve. All of that to say - it's often very uncomfortable and risky to own our season.

I did not grow up in the town we are raising our children in, so when I was getting my children started in school, all of the faces were blank to me. It has taken me years to draw the connections, realize that I am seeing the same faces over and over, form bonds, and continue relationships. That's a normal part of relational growth, so there's nothing inherently wrong with that - but I will say this - I did not fully accept or realize that the same people I was standing side-by-side with to pick up our children by the bike rack in Kindergarten and 1st Grade were the same people that I'd be working on much more involved community projects with now. I don't have specific regrets about those relationships, just a frustration with myself sometimes that I didn't lean into those relationships more early-on, get to know people as people, and invest mentally and emotionally.

I'm learning to do those things now, and it's rewarding - but it's no less intimidating, and no less vulnerable.

There have been seasons where I realized too late that I should have been signing up to help with a particular project, or spearheaded a particular activity, or volunteered or offered something to someone, because that was my season. I was stuck in a previous season, maybe a needier one, and had gotten used to other people doing things. When it was time for me to step up, I stepped up too late - wasn't owning my season, wasn't contributing in the way that I should have been. I felt insecure about my place or my gifts, so I didn't chip in at all.

There have been other times where I didn't realize the level of relationship I had with someone - didn't lean into the friendship, didn't ask the questions they were expecting me to ask them. I stepped out or away when I should have stepped in. I was afraid of presuming upon our relationship; afraid of assuming we were close when we weren't. But it's also dangerous to assume you're not close, when you actually are. Tuning myself to friendship closeness is a fine-motor skill that I'm still learning. Owning the areas where I am someone's mentor, someone's listening ear, someone's close friend prevents them from feeling lost and alone, and me from feeling useless and distant. Also, owning the areas where I need friendship from someone else, and humbly learning to participate together in that, prevents them from feeling useless, and me from feeling alone.

I finished a project that had a lot of eyes on it earlier this spring and commented to Grant when we got home - "I just feel like I am the outsider there". He looked at me like I had two heads and said - "No one else looks at you like you're the outsider there. Everyone else feels like they are".

What would it look like for me to live life as an insider, rather than an outsider? How would it change my perception of people, level of confidence, willingness to give, desire to encourage and include? Our community and church actually needs all insiders to work. Owning who we are because of Whose we are, what is expected of us, what we have to give, what is needed around us, and pouring into that is terrifying - but its much worse to look back later and realize its too late to do it.

If you are in a season of learning - own and accept that, knowing that at some point you will need to act on that knowledge.

If you are in a season of taking - own and accept that, knowing that you will need to launch into giving later.

If you are in a season of giving - own and accept that, knowing that it's ok also if someone gives to you - that enables you to continue being a giver.

If you are in a season of doubt - own that, but also look for where God is working on you in that doubt.

If you are in a season of opportunity - realize what an opportunity it is! Do not waste or undermine an opportunity out of pride or inferiority.

If you are in a season of uncertainty - look around for examples. As my kids have slowly entered into school extra-curricular activities, it is much easier to look around and ask questions and gain information than to live with frustration that I don't understand the system or what is expected of me. My mom friends have been more than happy to answer. It is awkward sometimes to ask questions you feel like you should already know the answers to. It's more awkward often to continue not knowing the answers.

If you are in a season where you assume that someone else is doing something - the system is likely less developed than you think and there's often room for more. This is not a junior high friend group, which is also currently relevant to my life. :) There is room for everyone in mature adulthood.

Look ahead to the season that is next. You don't have to long or pine for it; just expect it and realize when it's there. Embrace and own when you become the mentor, the leader, the older mom, the senior. Listen and see people who are ahead or behind you - confidently step into the march we are all doing together. You are not an outsider - you just have to kind of be willing to join the march at the beat that it's at. It's ok if you contribute to speed it up or slow it down - but having the humility to enter things where they are at, and join the fight in where they are going, is owning your season. Attuning myself to what is going on around me and what my part is in that is possible through the Holy Spirit, and He is a perfect guide!

Owning my season for me has looked like/currently looks like:

• Recognizing an opportunity - whether this is "bless the teachers with food" or "further your career" or anywhere in between - and embracing it/leaning into it.

• Understanding professionality and approaching things appropriately from a professional angle.

• Acknowledging I know someone or have met them before; re-introducing myself if necessary.

• Realizing that the things I am doing today will likely have impact on the things I do in the coming years. Someone I meet this year might be a critical part of my life next year. Not assuming all these parts are disconnected.

• Asking questions and seek to understand people and systems. It's the unspoken/unwritten that makes things the most challenging. Doing what is necessary to become aware.

• Caring about people, remember what they tell you, and follow up. Praying for them.

• Where there has been misunderstanding in the past, leaning extra hard into those situations and seeking repair. Unrepaired/insecure relationships make it really hard to own the next season. Apologizing when I mess up - but also not over-apologizing. Owning when I was actually right, and being ok with just letting things lie.

• Listening to people and acknowledging issues of superiority. For example, even if I do not feel superior to someone, their seeing me as a superior will impact how they receive things that I say or do toward them. Humbly accepting when someone sees me as a superior, and handling the situation with care.

• Also accepting where it's most appropriate for me to take a learner posture and not being afraid to express a need for other people.

• Knowing the type of behavior or maturity that is expected at a certain stage of life, and doing it. Claiming innocence is fine at some points, but also needs to be followed up with effort to change.

• Praying for wisdom, discernment, humility and gracefulness.

• Living wholeheartedly.